“De temps en temps je craque sous les poids de l’esperance”*
The song playing on my mind is so apt and this line just about sums up what I’m feeling.
It feels like I’m caught in a wave of negativity, a tidal one at that.
Guilt. Loads of it. Guilty of the time I seem to be taking to do something which shouldn’t take so long. Of not being able to spend enough time with the people who matter. Of wasting time and thoughts on the wrong people, the ones who don’t give a damn to me. Of not doing all that I should be. Of not being all I could be. Of not replying to everyone. Of being unable to take a stand. Of being torn between my priorities.
Guilt. When my family says, “But you’re hardly ever at home.” When granny says, ”Please drop in if you have an hour to spare.” When my friend says, “You have become really busy”, and asks, ”Do you even remember me?”
Frustration. At my inability to find out where I’m going wrong. At getting nowhere despite so much effort. At not being able to get past my current mental block. At not having enough time to do all I want to. At not being able to get my thoughts across. At not being able to compartmentalize my life. At not knowing myself fully.
Regret. For losing people I thought were friends. For being a difficult person to be with. For not making the effort to keep in touch with a lot of people.
Anger. Impatience. And anger at my impatience.
Fear. Of the hurt I can cause, if I let my tongue go. Of losing sight of the big picture. Of forgetting all that I have to be grateful for.
Despair. At not being able to find the hands I’m reaching out for.
Helplessness. Like I’m caught in some cycle, unable to break free and move forward. Unable to put it into words. Unable to stand the constant strain of fighting the negativity.
As I once told my friend, life would certainly much simpler if I hadn’t been the way I am. But then, that wouldn’t have been me.
I trudge along in the hope that this too shall pass, and that the light at the end of the tunnel is actually that, and not the mere flicker of someone’s Zippo.
*- Sometimes, I crack beneath the weight of expectations
(P.S. : Apologies for the surplus of negativity in the post. And many thanks to Manu for his feedback and for his encouraging words)