Open letter to my Mobile Service providers

First of all, thanks for the concern you lavish upon us.
Every half an hour, I get a call. Though what they are about, I don't know. Of late, I've just about stopped answering them. And since you call me back when the call goes unanswered, (and also because it goes on my call logs as a missed call), I've started receiving it and ending the call almost at once. So, thanks for the calls, though I don't asnwer them. If you want to improve my life with your services and whatever else you wish to offer me, you're welcome to do so. But I don't need (or want) your calls asking and informing me what is there on offer. If need be, I'll visit your website, or call Customer Service.
But wait.... Customer Service? That sounds like something from another era. These days, whenever I try to reach you, I get a prerecorded message giving me a list of options. When I finally manage to choose some lucky combination of options from the menu and get hopeful of talking to a real live human, I'm told how important my call is, and then treated to some music. After an eternal wait , with the importance of my call being mentioned every now and then, I finally get to talk to someone, I'm told that it's the wrong section. So much for trying to reach you.

And of course, thanks a lot for the messages you send me without fail every ten minutes. Where would I be if it weren't for the exercise you provide my fingers - if it weren't for using them to remove your messages and make some space in my inbox, they would have gone (comfortably) numb long ago. I don't need any education loans, health tips or 'jokes'. Really.

And yes, thanks for the offer, but I don't want to download any "hot notty videos" or bikini bombshells on my phone. I don't need any baba's tips, or superhot wallpapers.

Of course, I tried activating the "Do Not Disturb" facility on my number. Many times. But there was always an error just at that particular instant. So much for hoping to be spared.

I'm also grateful to you for sending me bills for calls I don't make. And for giving me a number I didn't ask for. And the confusion that ensued. It's a long story. And to top it all, I get a message from you asking me to pay a bill of Rs.4361 when I'd just got the number activated.

I'm eternally grateful to you for all this.

Yours sincerely,
A very (dis)satisfied Cus(s)tomer.